I doug out my camera this morning.

I wasn't sure where it was, but found it soon enough. Battery flat. Been so long since I've used it.

My X-T2

Lenses clean, was worried something might have started growing on them. Mould is the enemy to every camera enthusiast.

Couldn't find the charger. Looked high and low. Gave up. Took a break. Looked again and found two other camera chargers, then after looking some more finally found it.

Holding this camera in my hands again it feels like a lifetime ago that I'd last used it.

I bought it before... before the stupid year we had of 2017. Before my wife became so ill. Before @girlbeforemirror was unable to do basic things, like ride in the car, or catch a bus, or walk to the shops, or go to work, or play with our kids, or cook dinner... before all the doctors and hospital stays and scans and tests and waiting rooms and bills and expectations and hope...

I've owned expensive cameras in the past. Canon 35mm SLR gear, canon DSL, medium format film gear, 6x6 TLR and a 645 SLR, whole kits with lenses and backs and viewfinders and auto winders... gear.

Now, this camera seems like an unnecessary expense.
Before, when I bought it, we were both working, life was "normal", or at least as normal as life can ever be. I had planned to buy a few lenses and a flash or two as well, but only ended up with two lenses and the dinky flash that came with the body. The kit zoom, and a 27mm f2.8 prime. Both nice lenses. The zoom had optical image stabiliser, the 27mm is a "pancake lens". It's really small and light. Inconspicuous. I also picked up an extension tube, used to get you closer to your subject, as in closer focusing, "macro", without shelling out for a extra lens (although I'd love to get the Fujifilm 80mm macro lens, or the 60mm macro - both would be decent portrait lenses too).

Now though, after everything that has happened, and the uncertainty of @girlbeforemirror's diagnosis and future treatment the money I spent on this seems like a waste. And having let it sit on the shelf for so long gives me even more guilt.

Not to worry. It's a nice camera. Fujifilm X-T2. I bought it outright at the time. Never been a fan of buying stuff you can't pay for upfront. Why go into debt to someone for something you can't afford (that you don't really need)?

I chose it partly because it's smaller and lighter than most SLRs. I have a trouble with my hands, and lugging around heavy camera gear can be troublesome. This isn't the lightest system camera on the market, but it is high quality.

After...

After @papa-pepper gave away an almost new DSLR camera last week right here on steemit, I began thinking about my camera, gathering dust on a lonely shelf. Guilt. Time. Too much of one, not enough of the other.

Now that I've found the charger I sit and wait for the battery to regain its power and I try to convince myself to make a plan and stick to it, to take some photos this afternoon or tonight. Before the sun sets.

Sometimes taking the first step is the hardest.

Not sure where I'll go, just has to be somewhere outside, away from home. Maybe I'll take a tripod and do some long exposure photography. I've always loved that style. Something magical about capturing movement in a still frame.

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@girlbeforemirror talks of small sustainable changes that can be achieved, delivering a sense of accomplishment, then build upon it with bigger goals.

She is starting small. She has too. We have too.

We have lost so much. Our lifestyle is extremely limited and our future difficult to plan. But we need to reestablish hope and show are kids that in the midst of difficult times we can find moments of joy and happiness.

I don't feel like I have any time to spare to add in things for myself, even the thought of doing something for myself instantly generates feelings of guilt. But I know I need to do some things for myself and care for myself again. So I can give them the best parts of me as well.

So I have decided to carry my camera with me on my travels to work, and open my eyes to the world through the viewfinder. I'm also committing to a daily mindful mindless walk that the GIRL has been nagging me to do for months with our teen.