Sunshine, Cloud and Rainbow

This is a very hard post for me to write as I sit here wiping tears from my eyes and relive the nightmare of our Cloud baby lost in June of 2015. That pain is all to real this week as I delivered our Rainbow baby at home with just my wife this past weekend.

Many feelings flowed back for each of us during our Rainbow babies birth as he did not enter this world in the most normal of circumstances. He was set for cesarean section delivery the 21st of this month but nature and the full moon had other ideas. He was not full term and just over half of the size he was predicted to be. This tiny size caused him to enter the world to fast and many conditions that are supposed to be met during delivery were not met. In essence my son entered the world to fast not breathing and a very dark indigo blue. We were his life saving factor as I was there with my wife to catch him as he entered this world and we promptly cleaned his airways and got him wrapped and warm before proceeding to call 911.

We had been here before, twice in different ways but both just as scary. Our Sunshine baby was born weeks early and had to spend a long time in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit with us being told that they could not guarantee he would go home with us anytime soon if at all. We started to get good news after a few days and after a while longer we were able to take him home. He is 3 now and doing awesome.

That brings me to our cloud baby, the worst day of my life and one I don't wish anyone ever has to experience. Waking up from a sound sleep to a screaming wife. Things went horrible and we were left holding a lifeless little one in complete disbelief. Doing everything I could to get my wife to remember we had other children that needed her and she could not leave this world with Roman, she had to go to the hospital. She had to get better and live. It wasn't that I did not feel her pain completely, it was that in the corner of my mind around my pain I could not picture leaving even more pain for the remaining children we had with the loss of parents and new brother. The kids would recover easier with both of us there in the aftermath even if my wife and I will never be the same, never fully complete.

Life went on and a miracle once again took place and we were blessed with the news that we would be having a Rainbow baby. Fear, joy and the pain of loss were all equally coursing through us at the news we were with child. Not a single day of the pregnancy went by that we did not feel the loss of our Cloud baby, I don't think that pain will ever change nor does that type of loss ever get easier. He grew and grew and mom honestly had less physical complications with this Rainbow baby than any previous baby before him. Things were going according to nature and the baby was growing stronger, just like our Cloud had done before him. The doctors never did give us a reason for our loss and that made this babies growth different than any previous baby as every day could have been his last day. That is a horrible feeling mixed with the wonderful feeling of watching life grow. Day after day things continued to change but the fear of loss stayed the same.

We entered our ninth month this November and everything was getting close and all things were still good with baby and mommy. That's when the full moon came and my wife and I relived the nightmare of losing our Cloud baby again. Something is wrong she told me, I have to push. I responded, well let's get the bags and go to the hospital. No, the baby is coming, she replied. What the fuck do you mean the baby is coming were the last words I said before seeing his head crown and instantly having a blue, non-moving non-screaming baby in my hands. I freaked. She freaked. Than panic set in, we cleared his airwaves and did semi baby CPR on his back as if something was lodged in his throat. He screamed, a high pitched ear busting scream. That's my boy, I uttered before laughing. Grab a towel so we can clean him off and wrap him up my wife said as I noticed for the first time that we were both crying. We spent a minute with him alone very grateful for his life and each other before calling 911 to get mom and baby to the hospital.

We both thought we were experiencing the loss of a second child when he first arrived quiet and blue and for those 1st few moments of his existence in this world there were no other thoughts but oh fuck, not again. That would have broken us both even with more kids that needed us at home.

I already get told that I don't discipline enough and that I allow my kids to get away with anything, even from our older children who have moved out and started their own families. Kids are to teach, love, laugh with & learn from. Not to punish and force to conform with the view of the outside world. Teach your kids a solid foundation and the rest of the world becomes a glass house and they can glide through life head held high and heart filled with love.

For those who do not know what a Sunshine, Cloud and Rainbow baby are they are as follows.

Sunshine Baby: The baby born before the loss of a child
Cloud Baby: The baby lost
Rainbow Baby: The baby born after the loss of a child