As a parent I aim to raise respectful, polite and thoughtful children. I want them to feel safe and loved and respected themselves. Whilst trying to do this I also have to be mindful of their person space and feelings as does every parent. However my children come with a few differences to every other child.
Let me explain where this post is heading, my children are autistic, my children don’t like to be touched, they don’t like to speak to strangers or people they know sometimes, they don’t like to hug and kiss family memebers goodbye, they don’t like to look people in the eyes. All of these things, plus a fair few more actually cause them physical pain.
It is not them being naughty or rude. When they cover their ears it’s because their brains are about to explode from the sensory overload. When they shut their eyes in the sunlight or brightly lit shopping centres, it’s because the light is more than they can handle. When they hide behind me when someone speaks to them it’s because they become so anxious they are trying to stop themselves from vomiting.
Miss 1 avoiding the sunlight in the car!
When they can’t look you in the eye as you speak to them and turn their heads away, they are trying to listen, it’s a battle within themselves and it takes time for them to win themselves over. Sometimes they can, sometimes they can’t. But all of these situations can be made better or worse depending on your behaviour, not theirs.
Autistic children feel and see things in a completely different way to us. Their perception of certain situations is often the complete opposite to what you would think. For example, when my grandfather comes to visit, he loves to play with the kids, unfortunately his idea of playing is to tickle them until their in a fit of laughter. Now this works with my brothers children, they love it, however my children hate it.
Miss 3 hiding from all the noise at the mechanics! She was pretty pleased with herself once I found her.
They can’t stand being tickled and grabbed. To them it isn’t fun, it’s torture. Now I have tried to explain this to my 89 year old grandfather whom I love dearly, but he doesn’t understand. He thinks I’m just trying to stop him from playing with his great grand babies. The same problem arises when it’s time for him to go home. He expects a hug and a kiss goodbye. When my children run or refuse and hide behind me, he thinks they are being rude.
It’s not just family that don’t understand or listen when I explain why my children behave the way they do either. I’ve often contemplated making them shirts with big bold print that say, I’m Autistic, not naughty! On one occasion a parent of another child came over to me in the midst of Master 10 having his biggest meltdown ever and told me to get control of my child. Let’s just say she was lucky their were children present or the talking down she would have received would have left her burnt for a month.
Master 10 wearing his headphones to block out the noise. I really need to get him some proper ones.
Master 10 had been excitedly waiting for the day when a Nation football player was coming to our school to open the new football posts. It was all he talked about for weeks. When the day finally arrived, we walked up to the undercover area where the kids were all supposed to wait to meet and get their balls and shirts signed. Unfortunately, we were a tiny bit late and Master 10 walked around the corner only to be greeted with kids and parents and staff all snapping photos and lining up for autographs.
The noise and the people and the level of anticipation became to much for my poor little man. He lost it. I managed to get him to a seat where he began to have a complete meltdown, it unfortunately was only made worse by his friends and teachers all rushing over to see if he was ok. He wasn’t and in their haste to help they made it so much worse. He finally screamed “go away” and covered his ears and shut his eyes and started rocking mback and forth. I asked for them all to just go away.
I new their was nothing to do but keep everyone away and let it pass, all he needed was space, time and everyone to stop looking at him. I couldn’t move him as he is unable to walk when he gets like that and he is not 5 anymore so I couldn’t carry him either. He then started grunting, again an uncontrollable reaction to the stress and that’s when it happened.
The mother of another student walked over and proceeded to tell me to control my child, that he was ruining everything and that I should just take him home or get him to be quiet. She finished by telling me that I was extremely rude for not allowing the staff to help, well my face must have said everything my mouth didn’t, cause she moved away rather quickly. But the damage was done, even in his state, he heard what she had said. This only added to his emotional turmoil.
Master 5 mid meltdown.
This is just one of many occasions when my children’s behaviour has been mistaken for rudeness or disrespect and my behaviour mistaken for inept parenting. It happens all the time. What makes it worse is when people then have the nerve to comment and make rude remarks or worse intervene thinking that I’m doing nothing when that’s exactly what my child needs, for everyone to do nothing, stay away and let them process.
How you behave towards a child or adult with autism makes all the difference, now I’m not expecting everyone to become an expert on autism and all the possible behaviours and outcomes of every single situation. But, have a little common decency. When I tell you not to do something because it upsets them, don’t do it. When you see a child acting differently or perhaps even rudely or disrespectful. Let it go. It’s not your place to intervene.
If my children don’t want to give you a hug, it’s not because they don’t love you, it’s because they can’t. When they won’t look at you, they aren’t ignoring you, they can still hear what you are saying, you just need to give them time and this may take more than a few minutes. When my child covers their ears, stop talking, let them process what is happening around them.
Your feelings are not my main concern. My children are. Their feelings are more important than yours and mine. Do I get embarrassed when my children have these moments in public, yes, of course I do, is it going to make me change the way I behave, absolutely not. It is up to others to change the way they behave towards people with autism, expecting them to change is insanity.
Learn to ask the child what makes them comfortable. If they are unable to tell you, ask their parents or caregivers. Respect their boundaries and limits. Don’t expect those boundaries to change overnight. It takes a lot longer for a child with autism to become comfortable around a new person. It can take weeks and sometimes months.
Learn that certain behaviours are not a choice they are making, they are uncontrollable, expecting them to stop is like asking someone to just stop breathing, you can’t. Also learn and except that some things may never change. It is a part of who they are, we have to except them that way.
Thanks for reading and although I am no expert in the field of autism, if you have any questions regarding how to better interact with autistic children I am always here to give some advice and answer questions.
What you said is so true. Adults need to be educated with awareness that some children are different and they need to be more careful in their speech and actions. This happened some 12 years ago, when I brought my daughter out on the train, and she sat next to a mother with 2 children of ages around 8 and 10 years of age. The mother pulled her children and told them in loud voice to go away as this child (my daughter) is different and not to sit next to her. I was speechkess for a moment. Before I could react, a nun came over and her off in a nice way. That it was wrong of her to tell her children just because my daughter looks different. My daughter couldn't speak well but she understood the commotion and looked at me with sad eyes. The nun took her hands and speak softly to her and called out to some of the students she was with to come and sit next to her on the vacant seats given up by the mother and her children. The mother took her children and left on the next stop. I was taken aback by this incident as I have never encountered such an attack by anyone as we do travel a lot on public transport to give her the exposure of being around people and be as normal as possible. Most will just turn away or smile or stand give up their seats to her. Some will in fact struck up a conversation and ask if she is going to a special school and ask how old is she. Some even called her cute as she wears spectacles since she was 6 months old. In fact I found my daughter adorable and sweet. Maybe this mother has never seen a DS child before and she might have encountered some bad experience or not educated. Her reaction was as if my daughter is likely to attack them or that they will get infected by sitting next to her. How ignorant can some parents be. But I am sure now most are aware and this should not be the case. They just need to be aware and get their cue from the parents and leave the child best handle by someone who knows and not to judge the child or the parents.
That is so sad. Thankfully there were more respectful people around to intervene and make your daughter feel welcome. If only everyone could see our children the way we do. Perfect just the way they are. Your daughter is lucky to have you.
Every parents will do their best for their children. I àdmire and respect you for having so so much patience and doing all you can to make everything around you to be an opportunity for them to learn and grow. Your children are so Blessssed to have you both for parents. God Bless you and family.
Children are so wonderful is a statement very easy to come out of peoples mouth, but how much of their wonders are they really ready to deal with? Ready to be patient with? Ready to condone? Or ready to allow to flourish?
Autistic children need to be cared for with dire attention and patience
Im a teacher, and i have an autistic student around age 6, very peaceful boy. We were going on an excursion one day, i was in the front seat of the car, he was behind me, the other kids were very excited and shouting, but my boy just sat there. The driver had to delay us a bit due to somethings, suddenly i heard a deep grunt from behind me, and it wouldnt stop, looking back, i saw my boy had blocked his ears and started to hit the chair, hmmn, what could be wrong? He was fine seconds ago, i stepped out of the car and took him out, he wouldnt stop still, i had to take him a little farther away from the car, then he began to calm down, at that time the driver was ready, then we entered the car again and left, peacefully this time
This is very true, i hope everyone in an adult position learns these bits and pieces
Thank you for the discussion
Thanks for commenting, it is wonderful to hear stories about people actively assisting a child, you removed him from the situation that was causing his sensory overload and he was then fine. My boy Master 7 is a lot like that, he is very shy and quiet and then out of nowhere something small will change and he can’t handle it. I hope if he is ever in that position when I’m not around he will have some one as understanding as you to help him through it.
Well, i think in our very own corners we just need to get the word out more and let people be more aware, because trust me, not everyone is aware, thanks so much for your response, it means a lot
You are absolutely right, awareness is the key to all children and adults with special needs being accepted and treated well. Thanks for reading.
By establishing boundaries for the child, you are helping them to learn what is expected from them and how to behave in society. This is necessary for the child to grow into a responsible adult.
Boundaries are absolutely essential, but with children with autism it is the adults that need to respect their boundaries. They can not change who they are. Do I let my children run into the street or speak rudely to adults or hurt other people, absolutely not. It if they are physically unable to communicate or don’t want to be touched I am going to respect that and not force it upon them.
I love your expression in this post. It is As clear as hearing you read it.
Grandfather needs to read this, maybe he’ll get the picture clearer. That way he can relate more
Master 10 is a big boy, but does he play anything on his headphones, music or some sort. Imagine if no one bothered to look at him or give attention at the football field, he would have been just fine in a shorter time. I will say the hit was much on him.
I love this state of mind @mumofmany. It is the right way of thinking.
He does use his headphones for his computer but he also wears them all the time not plugged into anything to cancel out the noise, it bothers him and he can’t focus.
My grandfather has been told many times, he just doesn’t understand, he was raised in a different time and thinks of me as a child still. It makes the whole situation very difficult.
I kinda get you though. He’s not ‘from now’...
It is more difficult when ‘people from now’ also don’t understand.
Haha this is true ma'am. I agree that we should respect the efforts and ability of every child. I really appreciate your love and emotions towards them.
Your motivation is quite unique and brilliant. I really like your thoughts. I would like to thank you for sharing them with us.
Thank you for taking the time to read them.
Ergh, people. They need to stfu seriously.
When a similar situation arises in future, remember that feeling. It should then channel that bitchface and should scare off all but the stupidest thus ensuring that you only have the kids to deal with and not anyone else's blatant ignorant stupidity.
With aforementioned rude sod I think you did a brilliant job restraining yourself, had it been me she wouldn't have made it past the first line.
Trust me, had I not been surrounded by children, including my own little ones as well she would have been the one sorry woman. I have in the past let my mouth run away when my anger has reached its tolerance for stupidity. Unfortunately this was just not he place for such language.
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