This was beautiful. I can only hope I find peace the way you did. It's near impossible with the amount of darkness in people nowadays. I absolutely adore philosophy, and soul searching has always been something I've obsessed over. Finding the answers to the universe, like why are we here? There must be a reason, there MUST be something larger than us... right? I wish I knew because if i did, I would live my life an entirely different way. I think roots are what keep us from following our dreams. I've dreamt of walking across the country, to California, where the sunsets are the best. (I know, I'm insanely cliche) I've had this plan, this dream of mine for over 6 years now, and even when I was homeless and had nothing to lose, I was too afraid to make that plunge and really follow my dreams. Because most of the time, following your dreams is sacrifice. Putting yourself out there is risky and terrifying. What if I fail? So, with nothing to lose, I FOUND something to hold onto, to root myself to, maybe to prevent myself from feeling like a failure, or maybe because I was afraid of being alone. I've seen so much darkness since becoming an adult, it's discouraging. I'm afraid to leave my house at this point because I'm such a trusting person. Either way, sometimes Love feels stronger than Destiny... but I've struggled with this for years. If walking to California to paint sunsets is my destiny, if I can recognize the constant loop of misery the majority of the world puts themselves through, isn't it wrong to ignore it? Knowledge is power, it's a gift from whatever higher power you believe in. So, do I sacrifice the love of my life to follow my destiny? Or, knowing that love is the only thing decent in the world, maybe that's the test. sacrificing your destiny to raise kids in hopes they don't sacrifice theirs. Life is a labyrinth. I'll drive myself mad thinking about it too hard. "That's why we stick to your game plans and party lights, but at night we're conspiring by candle light. We are the orphans of the American Dream so shine your light on me!"
I also noticed your beautiful painting and was curious, is it meant to be a sunset or a sunrise? (:
constructive criticism: spellcheck and proof reading. You're a great writer but you've got a few typos in here I'm sure you didn't notice. It's surprisingly difficult to proofread your own work but if you read it a few times you'll start catching them all. I spent 2 hours proofreading yesterday, it was absurd.
Thank you so much for your reply. I can totally relate to your words. It is really difficult to make a life changing decision. You are constantly asking yourself if this is really the right thing to do or if it will ruin your life. There is always a voice in my head that tells me I will loose something if I make such a decision but I never think about what I might gain. What if this particular decision leads me to people and places I could never even dream of? Right now I am at a point where I say that I don't want to miss out on something. If something appeals to me then I want to find out if it is worth pursuing. In the end I will always gain something. I will know if I loved the experiences that came with that or I will know that it isn't something for me. Otherwise the ''what if I did that'' feeling will haunt me forever.
Stepping out of my comfort zone is the most terrifying thing I have ever done. I am a very introverted and quiet person but I still decided to travel through Sweden completely alone for five month. I worked voluntarily on organic vegetable farms in that time (maybe you know WWOOF? it is the organization I did that with). It is a give and take, during the week I worked for 6 hours a day and on the weekends I was free, I lived on the farms and didn't need to pay anything for that. Because I was alone I needed to open up which gives me kind of a bit anxiety but I regret nothing. I met so many nice and inspiring people and it was the first time in the last 6 years that I didn't have a period of depression in five month!
I guess you are completely right when you say that the fear of failure is holding people back from making the first step. But what about the possibility of success? Isn't it more fun to go through life without constantly fearing to lose something but rather learning and so gaining something each day? Working on your own mindset is a really hard thing but I think it is worth it because it opens doors that you couldn't even see before.
Your dream to go to California sounds wonderful to me. I don't really know anything about you and your life but if I got it right you say it is either your dream or the love of your life. But is there no way to have both? Have you talked about your dream and that you really wish to do that someday? Maybe the person has also dreams but never told you about it and you can start pursuing your dreams together (oh wow that sounds pretty cheesy :D).
Yeah I guess I have to work on my proof reading quite a bit. I did it once directly after I finished the post but I guess without some distance it is pretty much impossible to get every mistake :D
For me personally the painting is more meant to be a sunset because it is in the night when my dreams become more colorful and vibrant. I guess I am a nightowl and I love to look at the stars and the moon. The night is the time when I make decisions more easily and when I am more creative. But at the same time for someone else it could be the sunrise because maybe you can only really appreciate colors and light because you know what the dark feels like. :)
Oh wow ok that was a long reply. I guess I find your writing just as thought provoking as you find mine.
Isn't that the best though? I love philosophical conversations and breaking my mind to bits. Not many people are as deep, it seems. So much nonsense small talk, why not elevate to the deep shit right away? I've found some people are just happier avoiding the idea that anything they've ever known could be wrong... but mostly, people are just vanilla as can be.
That's so dope that you traveled through Sweden on your own, I seriously envy you. I've always figured if i was meant to walk to across the country, I'd need an adventure buddy, and no one was ever dedicated enough to tag along. Have you ever seen "Into the Wild" ? It's all about a man who burns up all his money and walks all the way to Alaska, living only off the land. In the end he carves "Happiness is only real when shared." into his bus and that line has stuck with me ever since. I imagine a lot of your adventure was terrifying, but nonetheless extremely prosperous for your soul. I'd love to do that one day, but the man I adore, and as cliche as it sounds, my soulmate (His voice literally rang like music in my ears when he said his name) wants to stay rooted, we've discussed it a few times and he'd rather drive and have the means to enjoy the entire experience. He actually laughs at my idea of walking he thinks it's insane. He doesn't understand the lessons waiting to be learned on that adventure, he just sees misery and hunger. So I'll probably settle; Wait until I have kid and are old enough to appreciate it and make it a historical learning experience instead. It'll always be my backup plan though. LOL God knows I run from everything eventually. (: The fact that you didn't have a single strip of depression the entire time you were touring the country says everything. Happiness is somewhere else. I'm always chasing happiness and it makes sense. A constant change in scenery is magic to the soul.
The fear of the unknown is terrifying to most people but we recognize that you'll never learn anything if you don't take any risks. I took all the wrong risks for a while and now I'm in a shell most of the time. LOL there is so much evil in the world and I trust too much. I hope one day I have the courage to do what you did, because if i don't, I know I'll be sitting in my rocking chair old as fuck and mad about it!
Only reason I ask about the sunset is because I'm obsessed with sunsets, they're always my go to paint project. I've always wondered why I paint sunsets instead of sunrises when sunrises are so metaphorically beautiful... my only explanation was basically a copy of yours haha I never see sunrises I'm a night owl!
I love conversations like this as well and I much more prefer them over casual smalltalk (which I am very bad at :D). The only one outside of the internet I share deep conversations with is my sister at the moment. Before I went to Sweden we didn't talk that much about stuff like that but after I came back and she told me for the first time that she has depressions as well and that she goes to a therapist now. That was when those conversations started and I guess it is very healing for both of us. Even though I never would have wanted it to start like that; I never wanted her to experience something similar to my depression :( but she is a very strong person so she will get through that as well.
Yes I've seen ''Into the wild'' a few times now and I absolutely love that movie. I can relate to this phrase a lot because although I enjoy my time when I am alone, when there is another person who can experience the same things as you and you can be happy ''together'' it is like the happiness is twice as strong. I can't find a better way to describe it but that's how it felt like in Sweden.
I guess in a relationship like you have it is normal and important to take a step back from your own dreams to don't ''destroy'' the dreams from your partner. But maybe you can find a compromise that makes both of you happy. Just because he doesn't want to do what you dream of doesn't mean you shouldn't do it either. You could go on a trip alone; I don't know how far away you live from California but I guess for starters you could go somewhere else instead and bring back memories and experiences that may change his opinion and make him more open to see all the good things that can come from an adventure like that :) .
This is insanely long and I'm so sorry lol just goes to show how thought provoking your content is.