They Call It The Jackalope and It Inhabits Areas of Flat Earth

Here’s another one for those of you who believe the earth is flat. They call it the jackalope. Ignoring science, rejecting thousands of years of human observation, and (most importantly) maintaining an open mind, I have awakened and concluded there is a reasonable chance that jackalopes are real. The lack of evidence of their existence does not fool me because the jar is half empty: it suggests a conspiracy to hide such evidence.

First of all, what is that animal? Is it a rabbit or a hare? A deer or an antelope? It’s a jackalope, sharing features of a jackrabbit and an antelope. Imagine a rabbit with antlers, loose on the prairie.

According to my first source, my drunk uncle Kenneth, they inhabit the flat earth of the American plains. He knows this because he claims to have seen one once, the same night a UFO touched down and tore the roof off his barn in an attempt to abduct one of his she-goats for an extraterrestrial experiment involving blue Gatorade (the experiment was rated NC-17…or was it NCC-1701?).

My second source is this folk song by a band called the Okee Dokee Brothers. They make children’s music and they won a Grammy Award. Who would lie to children or receive a major music award without telling the truth? So that’s more credible than fake news. Here is a video of this musical duo chronicling their search for the elusive jackalope:

As you can see, they pursued one and included actual footage of the beast. And now I quote:

“They’re only seen between midnight and two
On leap years beneath a blue moon
When it’s hot on the tundra and snowin’ in the desert
On the thirty-first of June.”

So that must be why this animal is seen so rarely. There are 24 hours in a day, but according to the Okee Dokee Brothers, there’s only a 2-hour period at night where these mysterious creatures are visible. And only on leap years (one of every four years) and under a blue moon (on average, once every 2-3 years) when the weather is strange (every year now, haven’t you noticed?) and on the thirty-first of June.

Huh, when? June 31 seems a problem if June only has 30 days, but that’s only the official story and my mind is awakened. Question everything. Could it be possible than June has an extra day and it’s been hidden from us by the powers that be? There could be a 31st day and they’ve been squirreling it away all these years.

Jackalope Head. Source: Creative Commons via Wikimedia by CGP Grey.

Indeed, searching Google provides some clues, since net non-neutrality hasn’t managed to scrub it all clean. There was a Russian movie in the 1970s called 31 June. The Urban Dictionary says June 31 is a thing, though its true definition has been sanitized into a joke by those who perpetuate this conspiracy. There is an article on Quartz suggesting that Hong Kong enjoyed a 31st of June in 1997, a period of freedom lasting just ten seconds, between the time that the British and Chinese national anthems were played at the Hong Kong handover ceremony.

Point is: it’s rare, but it can happen.

If jackalopes only come out at those times, then it stands to reason most people have not seen them. And if, as some suggest, jackalopes only breed during electrical storms, then they surely have a lower libido and correspondingly lower reproduction rate than bunnies of other sorts. With few firsthand witnesses, and many of those doomed to live in secrecy and fear, the powers that be have an easier time perpetuating the myth that there is no jackalope.

Why would they perpetuate such an evil narrative? Because powerful forces would rather have you believe there are only rabbits and antelopes in this world. To awaken and recognize that more things are possible seems an abomination to them. They wish to control your every thought, your daily life, your importance as a slave to the grind. If people believed in jackalopes, it would change everything. It would enable actual creativity and independence.

They don’t WANT you to be creative or independent. You shan’t be allowed to think outside the box they have constructed for you (smells like McDonald’s). And you absolutely CANNOT believe in jackalopes!

Author photo

But in their haste to rub out the jackalope from human knowledge, there is one group that the conspirators have not been able to beat: taxidermists. Yes, just like the monasteries in Nepal and Tibet that have kept Yeti hands and fur for decades, taxidermists are the heroes who have preserved the few jackalope specimens that are known to exist. They have carried on the work of their forefathers, fanning the eternal flame in the spirit of truth, justice, and jackalopes.

Allegory of the Yeti

Perhaps you have seen the recent news stories suggesting that there is no such thing as a Yeti (Abominable Snowman). This is a creature they also would have us believe is nothing but a tall tale. But the Yeti still lives strong in its caves, deep in the snowy Himalayas. Governments and powerful interests staged a vicious attack recently when they brought out dozens of desiccated bear paws and random fur samples. These powerful interests had the specimens tested by a DNA scientist, just so those scientific experts could tell you and me that it was bear DNA. There are no yetis, they want us to believe, only bears.

First two images above are public domain. Bottom picture: Monster hunter Josh Gates examining purported yeti samples. Source: Destination Unknown show, Travel Channel.

Mark my words, they will do the same in time with jackalope specimens. They will use pure jackrabbit DNA and pass it off as the real thing, then inform us that it was only jackrabbits and tall tales all along.

Don’t believe their lies. Jackalopes exist.

How do I know? Because I found one this week in my own home! Over the years, my children have accumulated a startling quantity of stuffed animal toys; it was time to give some of them away to kids who actually might appreciate them. Where all of these came from, I don’t recall, probably gifts (and I plead guilty to a few of them). There are stuffed teddy bears, dolphins, koalas, owls, and what I thought was a rabbit. My second thought was that it might be a skvader, another mythical creature from Sweden (a.k.a. what happens when you cross a rabbit and a grouse). The very similar Wolpertinger from Bayern, Germany also sprang to mind.

But when I took out this toy critter and put it in the light, I noticed antlers that had been folded down at its sides. I stood them up straight and made a positive jackalope identification, snapping this photo for proof. Ladies and gentlemen, there was a real, live jackalope sharing my home, eating my food and drinking my wine all this time. I kid you not.

Before I could lasso this specimen and take it to a local animal shelter or drop it in a donation bin for fire victims, it hopped out through the yard and in the direction of my local taxidermy shop. Pursued by hounds, it was never seen again in one piece.

My point: they exist. I still believe. And if we have belief, we have something. Long live the jackalope.

Source: Walltats.com

Disclaimer: I hope you didn’t believe a word of this post. Jackalopes are a widespread myth in the American west, but an entirely fabricated one. While many people around the world believe in Yetis, Sasquatches (Bigfoot), aliens, and the Loch Ness Monster, I don’t know anyone who actually believes the tall tales about jackalopes. They are meant to be fun and that’s all.

Sources:
https://www.golyr.de/the-okee-dokee-brothers/songtext-jackalope-790217.html
http://new-cryptozoology.wikia.com/wiki/Jackalope
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yeti
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jackalope
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Skvader
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wolpertinger
http://www.sciencemag.org/news/2017/11/so-much-abominable-snowman-study-finds-yeti-dna-belongs-bears

Top image: Creative Commons via Flickr by Mark Freeman