What does it mean to live a fulfilling life?

Talking with friends the other day, a couple of them are active on various dating apps, but they are the first to admit that they are disillusioned by dating through them. Yes, it is easy for them to find someone to sleep with (male and female users), but they are not fulfilled by this. They are still lonely and they are now starting to recognize that even when they find someone who is interesting, that person just can't keep their attention for long enough before they are swiping again.

And this goes both ways.

For those who read me regularly, I have mentioned a lot of the pitfalls of this for years already, and talked about it well back in the day with friends, before there was even modern social media. This isn't a new discussion, but it is becoming increasing relevant, as people are now starting to see the effects of their behaviors.

Loneliness.

Maybe when people are younger, this is far less of an issue, but now there are people who have been playing the digital dating game for over a decade and are themselves getting a bit longer in the tooth. What they are realizing is that they are unfulfilled, because they don't feel relevant in anyone's life. There is no "significant other" to not only share a day to day life and have future dreams with, but also someone who knows them in the past, knows where they have come from. They seem to be missing some kind of life continuity.

Which I think might be one of the attractions of identity politics, where people can claim membership of a group based on some kind of personal trait, even though no one in that group really knows who they are. I also think that this might be one of the drivers of blockchain immutability in the future too, where an individual can prove they existed in the past, even though not many people actually experienced them in that past life.

While it might not be easy to know exactly what makes for a fulfilling life, most people actually cite having a decent career as the major influence. This makes sense as a career speaks to meaningful continuity, a track record, a career path from there to here and on to the future. At least in culture now, there are very few 40-year jobs out there, and people are chopping and changing for a payrise every few years, rather than looking to establish themselves in a company for life.

This might bring more money, but perhaps it loses some of our connection to that sense of career progression, not to mention connection with colleagues. I have even seen complaints on social media from some people who have been unhappy with the lack of fanfare when they left a company for a new job after five years - as if it is a very long time and they should have had a party thrown for them.

Entitlement.

But I get it, because five years is a long time when people are changing every two years. And while money is cited as the reason, there is likely also that sense of restlessness in staying in the same thing for too long. And this is also driven by our cultural habits, where for instance, my friends late-teen son can't "invest" himself into a two hour movie, but can stream hour upon hour of 5-10 minute YouTube clips. With everything available on demand, no one wants to commit for long.

And this consumer restlessness is of course going to spill into other areas of life, such as dating, where people are consuming the company of other people, in the same way they consume clips on TikTok. Watch once or twice, get bored, look for the next piece to consume. It isn't about quality, it isn't even about quantity - it is just about always needing something new.

And it works in both directions, where two people who meet, both have this restless conditioning and are on the prowl for new. Two people who would have in the past been great together and formed a long-term connection, are now quickly seeing the flaws of the other, contrasted against the relative "better" on their apps in that regard, and soon jump ship. It is far easier than having to compromise and accept, and it has the bonus of the excitement of new.

For how long?

At least from what I have heard from friends, they are tired of the process and tired of the repetitive nature of what they are doing. They have their dates planned out, walking the same routes, going to the same cafés and restaurants, telling the same jokes - the only thing that changes is the person they are doing it with. It is robotic, automatic, stale. They know it will work and get them so far, but they also know that it is unlikely to ever go past that point, because either they will get bored, or the other person will get bored of them.

And restless feet go wandering again.

Humans are creatures that look for stability. Yet, even though we rationally know things are always changing, we seek for security through the flow of our life, that sense of continuity. Yet, we are losing this stream in favor of clips of a life, short pieces here and there, disjointed and unconnected, with no overarching storyline to tie them together. The rise of individualism has empowered us to make many more choices for ourselves, but the cost has been that we have lost the sense of family, community, and society that holds us together, that makes what we do worth doing, because people we care about and care about us, are relying on us.

Nothing last forever, but there seems to be this general feeling of impermanence in a culture that is rapidly changing due to the demand for new. Even who we feel we are is so fluid, that we can pick and choose what we believe ourselves to be, regardless of whether we are actually behave in that way or not, or if we will change it again tomorrow.

We want people to know us, to acknowledge our identity, yet we keep shifting the goalposts of who we are, by identifying ourselves with whatever trend label we feel is on our best interest to associate with. We don't have a clear line of personality, we are a disjointed collection of vignettes, each one filled with people and things that will be disposed of when the next begins.

No wonder loneliness is being considered an epidemic.

I don't know what a fulfilling life is for you, but what I do know is that it is up to you to figure out what that is, create the conditions to experience it and, pay the consequences for the decisions you make. If you think a thousand Tinder conquests will make you happy, go for it. If you believe being a keyboard warrior cancelling people you disagree with fulfils you, go for it. If you want to join a hate group and march in the streets so you feel relevant, that is your choice.

I believe there are better ways.

You do you. Whoever you are.

Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]