I Don’t Know. Yet, I’m closer than ever.

Art.
Because there’s nothing else to do. Nothing makes sense. I guess I’m transforming. I hope so. I believe so. Because if not, I don’t know what I’m doing here. It has to make sense eventually. Otherwise I don’t wanna be here.
All I have is faith right now. All I can do is trust. And that’s great! Because I need trust, trust is good. I feel safe when I trust. The outside world is too much for me right now, so all I can do is turn inwards and find faith. Faith in life, God, whatever it is.
Classic Ego Death moment, Dark Night of the Soul thing, yeih. And I’m grateful for it. I get deeper and deeper, and it’s fascinating.
It’s funny how completely opposite things can exist at the same time. Light and Darkness at the same moment, in the same body. They are both true. God doesn’t judge. It’s all the same.
I choose to listen to the part of me that knows deep faith, that knows that everything is in perfect order, that knows that I’ll be fine.
I don’t know for sure, I just choose to believe that. Because otherwise I would die.

It’s hard anyway. And I hope it’s over soon. I hope it’s over soon. I really hope it’s over soon.
This too shall pass.
This too shall pass.
Nothing on Earth is forever. That’s just how it works here.
Please let it be over soon.
I’m still here.
I live and I love. I love. I love.
Thank you.

Lots of things have been coming up over the past weeks since I’m here in Northern Germany, my old home, where I grew up and lived for most of my life. This place slapped me in my face all the old attatchments I was still holding onto, showed me all the places where I was still giving my power away. Relationship dynamics especially, also very old wounds from childhood and youth. I got to look at it all again and choose a new path.

The above text I wrote a few days ago. I am so happy that I finally was able to turn the experience into something like art. To me that usually means that I’ve made it through the worst of it ^^ I also started painting again, little experiments with my watercolors.

It’s not an unusual experience, I guess it’s kind of normal on the path I’m on. My heart’s desire is to be all of me, to get to the core of my nature and to act in alignment with it. So everything that is not me has to go, has to be let go, to be shed. That’s painful because it was part of me for so long and what would I be without it, and who? That’s where Faith comes in ^^
I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.
And I don’t have to know. It’s time for a new way of life, a new adventure called The Great Unknown.
I actually have been on this adventure for some years already, or at least I thought so. But now it got to a whole new level, apprenticeship is over, those past weeks here so felt like graduation.

My poor little Ego is on its knees, nothing more to say. Because I will not allow any doubts, worries or feelings of guilt and unworthyness any longer. We are so much greater than that.
So I asked it to just join me in this new chapter.
Because that’s where I’ll be (as soon as I get my van/house back from the workshop ^^).

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Check out my website and find all my art there (digital, analog, mixed media), as well as all the links to my NFT galleries!

www.anafae.art
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